Extramarital affairs
Therapists who charged by the minute through Escape
Other topics from the list.
Yet another convention. Czarek was welcomed enthusiastically, even though the poultry brotherhood was paying a lot of sudden attention to the newcomers - a strong group of young and talented managers from an egzemo-exotic chicken farm in Fodder Band nearby Podunkowice.
“This is a club for Russian golf. You hit with it not a ball, but a specially designed grenade. During the impact, the detonating fuse is activated and a load of plastic paint-filled balls is dispersed over an area of roughly 3 meters in diameter. The color of the paint varies depending on what is considered the most tacky in any given war-golf season. The player who doesn’t come back to the bar covered in tacky paint wins.
Everybody was impressed, and one man’s eyelid even ticked a little, because he didn’t realize that the speaker of this witty comments wasn’t Czarek, but one of the Fodder Brothers (a term coined later by triumphant Pytlasinski).
Czarek had to fight for attention:
“And have you tried kite-golf?”
“Kite golf?” The Fodder Brothers were surprised, along with half the audience, which was intoxicated with exotic drinks that Friday.
Kite-golf - a new exclusive type of golf, considered an extreme sport where a player hits the ball while hand-gliding. In an amateur version, the glider can be equipped with an enriched bio-fuel powered motor. The player who in a ration of 3,25 to 1 counts more holes without touching the ground wins.
“In Skoptland I came in seventh, but ahead of even Peter King himself. You know, the champion kite-golfer from San Prego. And I met Christina Paqualerra during the tournament there. You know, the singer. She was rather hot, I admit, especially from the bird’s eye view.
“But she’s with that actor, that…” One of the Fodder Brothers butted in.
“Actor, no actor, who cares, it can all change so quickly, especially when someone leads life as active as Chrissy or I,” Czarek shared conspiratorially, and Ms. Zyta from Klimaszki, interrupting her enjoyment of a long-slim cigarette, cried out:
“Oh, Czarek, but will happen to us?”
The women were laughing and Czarek said:
“You, my dear ladies, I shall never forget. You are the nicest and most beautiful poultry maidens I know.”
“The most beautiful you will meet during the next convention. Aldonka, Miss Poland. She bought out Wladeczek’s farm, when he went back to cabbage and rapeseed,” Jareczek from Czyszni�w said, washing down a bite of dried sea horse with a gulp of mhiskey.
Three months of hard work. Czarek knew that the Fodder Brothers would not be much of a competition now, but he wanted to be well prepared for the meeting with Miss Aldonka. A good photoshopping session would take his graphic editor at least two whole weeks.
“And look here at this photo. Here I’m standing with Borys Dylina”
“The one from the “Sergeant” tv series?” Elwira from Nalecz cried out and Czarek noticed from the corner of his eye that Miss Aldonka was also impressed. She was really beautiful, but not enough to become Miss.
“Yes, the one and only. He came to me for an Italian neck-tie styling workshop, along with a few other young actors, also handsome, but less famous.”
“And what about Leszek Pienko? Was he there?” Miss Aldonka asked shyly.
“Leszek, Leszek… maybe… that guy…”
“That bald, fat 60 year old,” Miss Aldonka replied spitefully and Czarek turned invisibly red, because he couldn’t show he was boiling on the inside.
“But I don’t know if you know that Borys recommended a therapist to me, you know, in case I have heart problems.”
“But Czarek, you are married!” Halinka from G�ra said while sipping mamernet‘99.
“My wife has an equally modern approach to marriage as I do. Lately she’s been seeing this oil magnate, Kluk. I admit, a very nice and clean guy. But coming back to the topic, here’s something interesting. This therapist gives counseling via Escape, because you know, I don’t have the time to do it in person,” here Czarek paused waiting for a question which would suit him.
The question was asked by Miss Aldonka, who apparently had a problem with Czarek’s popularity among the poultry farmers and wanted to discredit him:
“You live that far from the city?”
“Miss Aldonka, that’s not nice,” Rysia said with disgust while wrapping around her the tail of a Syberian camphora.
“Yes, in a way it is far, especially that the city is Los Bangeles,” Czarek paused again, so the delighted reactions could sound appropriately delightful, which indeed happened. “But I have a superfast connection, and there are no problems during our calls. You know, I have the AC-MAX wireless connection system.”
Miss Aldonka was still doubtful and Czarek doubled his efforts:
“You know, these are those brain core stimulating pills for creative thinking in the 3-7-3 team work mode.”
“I was at a party at the vice-president’s private resort. And I must say, this was something, something… And Wiesio, the vice-premier, what a funny guy that Wiesio, we could invite him here to meet our sweet and intelligent ladies.”
“A portable device for the production of 17 of the most popular enzymes. Today I’m picking pheromones, especially for Miss Aldonka.”
“The new standard in civilized countries is the 3+1 family unit, you know. Two women and one man, or two men and one woman, and one, only one child, which the adults take care of in a three-shift system. But I’m a traditionalist, you know, wife and I are looking for a nice and attractive lady. Maybe we will try Helga from Himilshaven…”
And this is, my dear ladies and gentlemen, a world class expert, Mr. Gilmand de Borek, a world-class psychic who can select two most suitable for each other persons based on their ergo waves. Gilmek charges 900 euro per session, but for my lovely poultry ladies he will do it for free, world-class. So, which one of you ladies wants to go first. Miss Aldonka?”
Czarek’s efforts were admirable and their results visible. The members of the Exotic Poultry Producers Association drank excellent unusual alcoholic drinks, played exclusive unusual games, met famous unusual people, and had unusual rarely seen personal preferences. But Czarek still hadn’t reached his main goal “to impress Miss Aldonka, and then we’ll see.” He was determined to succeed and determined to prepare even better for the next convention.
“This time it will work, this time she’ll be mine. I have something so huge that they’ll all be speechless, and especially my Miss Aldonka,” Czarek thought, exhausted but pleased with himself.
“Ah, welcome mehsye Czarek,” Rysia from the Wegorek Palace said, “You know, I met that Borys the actor, he was very nice and I even liked his play that he did for us at the palace. And that wine, pepperlot was nice too, a bit sour aftertaste at the second tasting, but generally everyone was happy.”
“Excellent! And where’s everyone? Not waiting for me?” Czarek said suspiciously.
“Ah no, you know. Because this new guy had arrived. Very nice and everybody likes him, even very much, and especially Wojtek, you know, the one who married three times and has three mistresses.”
“What?”
“You’ll see for yourself.”
The new guy was named Mr. Nowak and was sitting next to Miss Aldonka. He was drinking domestic beer and snacking on salted peanuts.
“Yes, I have a wife and two sons. I work two shifts to pay the bills. Do you have blood sausage? I got hungry during the trip. And in those Super Cheap Railways they don’t have a restaurant car anymore.”
“Really?” Miss Aldonka said sweely.
“And do you know how to play hot pot, because I brought the equipment, and it had cost me nine thousand euro,” Czarek’s ironic voice could be heard.
Hot pot - a social game for two to six people, requiring special equipment costing three to five thousand euro - consisting of a chase in special resembling frying pans vehicles powered by the human masticatory muscles. The person, who escapes the greatest number of times without allowing the vehicle to overheat, wins.
“Oh no, I came here to learn,” Nowak said and smoothed down his hair.
Czarek noticed that several guys were drinking domestic beer, and in a grand motion pulled out a bottle of Palisander Liquor, but nobody paid any attention, because Nowak kept talking:
“And layers I keep in a special hut, so they won’t be stressed, because otherwise I will loose one egg per day.”
“Wow, one?” Szymek said smoothing down his hairsprayed Mohawk.
“And speaking of eggs, have you ever tried a flemiostrich egg? Very tasty!” Czarek was shouting, but without effect. And then he heard the saving tone of his cell phone “fooor myyy Czarek froooommm Christina Paqualerra.”
Miss Aldonka finally noticed:
“Could you please take your phone call elsewhere?” She asked and Czarek only had the time to shout into his phone:
“Ah yes, hello Mr. Vice-premier! Wiesio, what’s up?” It made an impression only on Wojtek, who had serious money problems.
“Boss, this is not Mr. Vice-premier, but Chojnacki from accounting. I’m calling to tell you that the repo guys are here.”
Mr. Czarek Pytlasinski experienced an almost invisible tick of the right eyelid.