Puddle skin care
Dr Edward Perennial got his PhD degree in loyalistic algebra with considerable difficulty and considerable help from his brother, Dr. Perennial, who had gotten his PhD in loyalistic geometry two years earlier.
And how it often happens with the less street-smart savvy members of the academia, Dr Edward didn’t stay long at the university, or to use a more street-smart expression closer to life and the street - was kicked to the curb.
And when he was walking for the last time through the main plaza of the Piast University, pondering deep thoughts about the injustice of treating people according to the Valesa scale of street-smarts, he stepped into a puddle. It had rained two weeks ago and the capacity of the university’s drainage system was the same now as back in AD 1459.
So while standing in that vast, but not very deep puddle, Dr. Edward lost himself in his synaptic innards and didn’t even notice the students who walked by and laughed sarcastically at their former teacher, that’s how low his spirits had sunk. Neither did he notice at a small dog, belonging emotionally and lawfully to an elegant female professor from the Department of Westernmostentatious European Polonisation, who sat reading a newspaper on a nearby bench.
The doggie deposited several droplets of precious liquid from his tiny, pure-breed bladder into the puddle.
“Perennial wants to take roots! Too late, you short-lived perennial!” A student yelled out from a window somewhere. But really, it wasn’t a student at all, but the assistant lecturer Pisak in the department of loyalistic algebra, who was street-smart and savvy and took over Dr. Edward’s office, because he liked the color of the chair (inscrutable red).
Doctor Edward didn’t mind the assistant lecturer’s unpleasant behavior so much, but he did mind the unpleasant behavior of the assistant professor - Ms. Czeslawa Ceracz.
“An annual perennial for sale! Good price!” was coming down from a window of the department, but what finally brought Doctor Edward back to reality was Ms. Ceracz’s screechy laughter. Doctor Edward sincerely avoided her, and even more sincerely he wished she would trip up on the loyalistic-algebraic theory of Himko-Rybson.
Ms. Ceracz was less street-smart savvy than Pisak, but she knew how to use to her advantage the fact that he thought she liked him, which was not true, even though the woman wasn’t good-looking, but then again, neither was Pisak.
The Ceracz-Pisak wave had been rolling through the department’s vast interior for the past few months, and that resulted in a total abandonment of the professor by the very people who should have never turned their backs to display their well-worn pants, style Z.O Odra Wodzislaw 1951, to the world. Unfortunately, the vice-dean, who also thought that Ms. Ceracz fancied him, was among those who started to avoid the professor and walk backwards. All that lead to a confrontation regarding the Himko-Rybson theory, a confrontation that Doctor Edward did not survive, even though neither Himko, nor Rybson thought that Ms. Ceracz fancied them, because they were both long dead.
That way, a freshly fired doctor and a brother of world-renowned Dr. Perennial, landed in a puddle, an event which thrilled students sitting nearby, who promptly began to film it with their mobile phones with the intention of posting the footage on funnnyvideofilmsfrompoland.com.
“I got it! It’s gonna be a hit!” A young student, of psychology maybe, judging by his “I Want my Momma” t-shirt, yelled out.
An evil drill sergeant woke up in Edward. The last time the sergeant had woken up was in 1976, when his father was caught in-flagrante with a policewoman from the station in Gizajno, where they had lived at the time. The sergeant came and beat the living daylights out of the father, which prompted little Edward to run after the cop and kick him in the shins. An act of courage that the sergeant didn’t even notice. This time it was different:
Edward was lonely, unemployed, standing in a puddle, into which peed the dog of a woman he fancied, filmed and ridiculed, wearing wet shoes from a hypermart. And now he received an SMS with what? “Buy something for Lola’s zits.” Doctor Edward, feeling his helplessness turning into the drill sergeant’s revenge came up with an idea, which changed the direction of the skin care market all over the world.
“I will show yooooouuuuuu!” Edward cried out deep inside his soul with a battle cry of a future victor, and his emotions manifested themselves physiologically through the dilation of his left pupil by 6% and a very quiet, nasal “oouuu”.
Lola, Edward’s daughter, was a pimply teenager deeply insecure about her face. Her father kept bringing her various medical treatments and nothing had ever worked. This time he gave his daughter a small medicine bottle filled with brownish liquid.
“Tonic with the extract of an urban puddle,” he said and Lola ran to the bathroom to test the efficiency of the 137th acne treatment of her life.
“Thanks dad. I think it’s worked,” she said about a month later before going out to a club, and her father had a vague impression that there were more or less three zits less on his daughter’s face.
He imagined Czeslawa Ceracz using this liquid and kept dreaming for good.
About three months later, Lola’s friends began to regularly visit Doctor Edward begging for a sample of this miracle treatment, and he could barely keep up with the demand, especially since the summer was rather dry that year.
Half a year later, Edward’s friend from kindergarten, who was now an expert in loyalty programs for a chain of pleasure-domes, showed up at the Perennials’ house.
“You bring the know-how, I bring the marketing,” Olek said, and it was the beginning of a long monologue, because he was street-smart and verbally savvy. And when he finished, he asked:
“OK? So do we have a deal?”
“OK,” Edward answered, because he’d had enough.
Three months later, the company Perennial Cosmetics introduced at a chain of convenience kiosks a series of skin care products called “Puddle New Line”. The products were voted number one in a prestigious contest run by the “Style and Fashion” magazine, and received an endorsement from Wanda Dolniak, a well-known singer, which resulted in the increase of the manufacturer suggested retail price by 320%. After a name change to “Puddle Skin Care” and a contract with a chain of make-up shops Zedhwora, the brand reached an exclusive status and overtook other skin care innovations - extract of quails’ tonsils, essence of rutabaga and double C vitamin. The lady professor from the Department of Westernmostentatious European Polonisation began to use the products, but sadly Ms. Ceracz didn’t have enough time, because she was treated like crap by Pisak, and stopped taking care of herself in order to make him feel sorry.
And then, when everything was just wonderful (except maybe for Lola’s self-esteem, because her acne had returned), Olek showed up and said:
“You say nothing, just listen,” and began a monolog which lasted until 9AM the following morning.
“You get it?”
“Yeah,” Edward answered, because he’d had enough.
And just like that Olek sold the company, the name and all rights to a big make-up corporation, and made a killing on the deal. He gave Edward what he felt like, in other words, not that much. The corporation changed the name of the product to Dr Perenni’s Le Pudd Skin Care, and made an even bigger killing on it, especially in the US, where puddles are a thing of the past, because of very effective drainage systems.
And Doctor Edward Perennial? For about four and a half months he was more famous that his famous brother, but now was back up a shit creek without a paddle, pushed there by Olek who wanted more money, because he thought he had given Edward one zero too many (20 000 instead of 2 000). Lola ran away with her boyfriend to Ireland, and his wife was pissed and refused to make steamed dumplings.
And Doctor Perennial just stood there and when the evil drill sergeant woke up in him once again, he received an SMS.